I have realized that Autism has consumed my life. My life is 100% wrapped around my child who has this. Seriously, it devoured my soul. I am not upset about it, just completely obsessed with it, which isn't good. I wonder if any other parents can relate?
I don't hang out with anybody ever, well with the exception of my 4 year old. My idea of a crazy Friday night is running around at the park with him and then running around Walmart. The thing of it is I don't want a social life. It causes me great anxiety to think about having to do something with people. I feel like if I am not at work I should be with him. Don't get me wrong, I am selfish and will have my husband watch him while I workout occasionally. Cleaning or doing this blog is a "splurge" for me. That's about it. So if you ask me to do something, and I decline, it's not you. I just feel weird doing things with people now. I don't think I know how to act in social settings. Let me just hang out in my sweats and take Dylan around in the wagon. I think I am becoming slightly autistic myself.
I don't date...my husband obviously. I am not looking for people to date :). But the idea of leaving my child with a sitter to go out with my husband? The idea of this makes me want to hyperventilate. Is she willing to change his diaper? How will she know if he's hungry? So many questions... I would be a train wreck of a date.
Certain activities require some planning. Some things might be a no brainer activity. Example: family party- Where is it at? Place for him to go outside? Will it be too noisy? What about crayons-he eats those like candy. Do we need to drive separately so one of us can take him home? I am extremely hyper-vigilant at activities or outings. I will take my plate of food and follow Dylan around while I eat. I am on him like a hawk.
I also feel like I don't do enough. I should be doing at least some PECS and a structured play routine with him since he only had ABA this morning and no school. The speech therapist wants us to document the PEC trials, but I have been slacking. Ugh!! We work on things like imitation, following directions, pretend play, having him touch our lips when we say sounds (I call it the "Helen Keller)etc. I think I will go do a 10 minute play routine with him right now instead of me talking about it.
Like I said, it's consumed me. I am not complaining or upset, just this is who I am. I guess it's just a disclaimer for my nuttiness. I will be that crazy mom that will be going to school and sitting with her child in class. Hey it will give me something to do and I can scare off children who try and pick on him.
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